Memorial Day

President Bush visits the tomb of the Unknown Soldier for his last term in office this Memorial Day. Considering how far science has come in the 21st Century, why is the soldier still "Unknown"? Let's open up the tomb and use something called "DNA" to end this mystery

"The Kennedy Photo Conspiracy"

Mr. Kennedy is Alive and Well! But that all depends on how you look at things. As we re-visit a photo from Novenber of 2002, rumors were flying that JFK was up and around and trying to be discreet as he sipped a latte at the original Starbucks store in Seattle. A patron who was also in the restaurant snapped a quick photo of Kennedy reading the morning paper. From this photo, The Weekly World News made the conclusion that JFK's murder was full of more questions than answers. An article was included with the picture suggesting that the horrible day in Dallas was staged and JFK addictted to pain medication, was whisked away for rehab and a new life deep in the Islands of Samoa. The photograph shows a rather young looking Kennedy who seems healthy and happy and must be a regular at the local CVS drug store purchasing Just For Men hair dye. Is he alive? YOU decide before taking a gander at the newest photo to surface just two weeks ago. Photo #2 was taken at a Kennedy Family Honors event. When Kennedy's name was announced, three men made their way to the podium to address the crowd: Mr. Kennedy, wrestler on WWE's Monday Night Raw, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and off tto the right, JFK! While Sen. Kennedy begins a long process of treatment and therapy today, patrons in his hospital noted that JFK was in a private meeting with the recovering Senator for over two hours before he was released. JFK was said to have been in disguise wearing a pony tail, sunglasses, and baseball cap. As people both Democrats and Republicans, have set aside their differences in order to come together and pray for the Senator's speedy recovery, one thing is for sure... that is, Teddy isn't getting any younger. When he dies, who will take over as captain of the Kennedy ship? Insiders have speculated the job should belong to Kennedy family member by marriage, Arnold Schwartzaneger. With the discovery that JFK is still around, the former President could very well take Ted's post in the senate.

"Hey Kids!!! Ask Mom For This Stuff!"

Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine...

In Just a few days we get to see part 4 of the Indiana Jones chronicles. Ir was nearly a 20 year wait. The fourth installment of the franchise was never going to take place. The only thing that saved it was the empty wallet of Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg. Am I supposed to believe that the script got lost all these years? Was it buried in one of the wooden crates stored in the warehouse full of "The Ark of the Covenants"? Just like good pal George Lucas and his Star Wars movies, Spielberg thought this would be the perfect time to bring back Indiana Jones and take advantage of all the new special effects in Lucas Arts Industrial Light and Magic studios. George Lucas told us in 1980 that "Return of the Jedi" was the end of Star Wars and then all of a sudden, by some miracle, three scripts appeared out of thin air and these three films would be prequels to the original trilogy (as a sidenote, Lucas swore again that he was done milking the Star Wars franchise in 2004 yet, rumors are swirling that perhaps another trilogy will be made to take place after "Jedi" ends.) Likewise, Spielberg is toying with the idea of making prequels for "Indy". I guess these would fall in between "Young Indiana Jones" with the late River Phoenix and the "old Indy" that we see on the silver screen today. There's one tale however, that need not be written and turned into a movie...that is, "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Goldmine. Even months before the movie was set to make a splash in theaters, all kinds of product tie-ins were selling like hotcakes. Not too bad for a movie version of Activision's Pitfall Harry, and not so bad for a 65 year old man running down hills and swinging from ropes on trees. Even without Indiana Jones in the picture, taking the kids to the Super Wal-Mart is an adventure by itself. Thank goodness for the product tie-ins with everything from ketchup to pop tarts and soda, Doritos, Oreo's, Ritz crackers, M&M's and more! Yes, these things are strategically placed in displays that line up perfect with a three year olds line of vision. You don't take the kids with you to the store? That's okay too. The kids will tell you all about what's out there on Saturday mornings during commercial breaks. The FCC created the "Safe Harbor" Law which is supposed to designate a time period during the day that children's programs are aired. The law also regulates what ads your kids are supposed to see. Product tie-ins to cartoons and so on are a big "no no". Really? ...Who fell asleep at the switch on this one? Anyway, this brings me close to the end. Junk food related to movies is one thing and TOYS are another thing. One of the most dangerous toys to hit the market in relation to this movie is the "Indiana Jones Whip" A few feet in length, your kid will have the thrill of a lifetime making the whip "snap" and hearing the sound effects along the way. Isn't this a great idea? Kids would NEVER use this toy as a weapon, would they? There's nothing like a nice crack of the whip across the face of a brother or sister. All is fun until someone loses an eye. If it hasn't happened already, someone will. You can blame this on Indiana too!

Jet Blue, Blue Balls On The Tracks, A Blue Car At The Strip Club!

Planes, Trains, and

Automobiles make for a sex filled Memorial Day weekend trip! Everyone is ;ooling ahead to next weekend. It's the official start of summer. A time for lazy days in the sun, sipping a cocktail or two, and barbequing weenies on the grill. Some people even enjoy getting out of town and taking a trip. With the skyrocketing cost for a gallon of gasoline, folks are grabbing their nickels and times and letting someone else do the driving. Counting out of state vehicle tags and cloud formations in the sky is just plain boring. Let's face it... YOU paid hard earned money to get away, so you'd better make getting to your final destination as fun as the place where you're going. Bothing better than some good SEX to kick things into high gear. These folks had the right idea.

• Jet Bluw Airways had an "incident" recently on a non-stop trip from L.A. to New York. An airline attendant with a sore back needed to sit down in one of the plane's comfy chairs however, the plane was packed solid with no open seats available. The stewardess ran right to the cockpit to explain the situation. In a flash, he jumped out of his seat to remedy the problem and singled out a male passenger whom he asked to kindly give up his seat. "No way!" the man cried out, to which the pilot answered, "get your ass over to the shitter and don''t move! We'll be landing in New York in three hours. Besides, I'm doing you a favor by taking your ass to New York... so go sit down or I'm gonna push you out the door!". The man finally moved and sat on the aluminum throne in the water closet until the plane landed. While he bitched and moaned to everyone while leaving the plane and promising a $2 Million dollar lawsuit against Jet Blue, what he failed to say was that somewhere over Ohio, the stewardess with the "bad back" joined him in the bathroom for some "thanks for giving up your seat for me" sex. Unfortunately, the lawsuit is still pending.
• It's rush hour on the rails in Germany when a bullet train gets stuck on the tracks. Informed that it will be awhile before help arrives, the engineer decides to literally take the matter into his own hands as he unzipped his pants and began to maasturbate. He was having a good time moaning and groaning and hooting and hollering up a storm until he was done. Exhausted, the engineer leaned back in his chair and breathed a sigh of relief as someone knocked on the door. It was a conducter on the train who was laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" the engineer inquired, to which the conducter replied, "I think you left the intercom on! The whole train was laughing at you!". Needless to say, he spent the night on the train making a quick exit undercover of the darkness so he wouldn't be seen.
• Finally, the father of a 14 month old baby got tired of his girlfriend giving him the third degree over child support. It was a busy day, to which he agreed he'd watch the kid and make a stop at Kmart to buy some lunch and some diapers for the baby girl. His car never made it to the store. He got sidetracked by the blinking neon lights of strip bar signs on the way and pulled into a bar'd parking lot. Deciding the baby would be best if left in the car with the windows closed on a hot and humid evening, he ventured inside for a couple of beers. Aware that it was very late at night, the girlfriend immediately phones 911 to notify the cops that her baby was missing. Almost simultaneously to her phone call, the guy staggers out of the bar and sees half the police department surrounding his car. By this time, a passerny spotted the kid in the car and called the cops who came and got her out. He must gave had a good time in there because in his version of telling the story he was only in there for 10 minutes. In reality, it was two hours. It got worse from then on. Police discovered he entered the bar with a fake ID and was actually 17 years old. He'll have a long time to reflect on what he did as he rots away in prison. Nice, eh?

"Oh Miley Gosh!"

Shame on Hannah, Destiny, Mylie, and any other name she goes by! Shame on Billy Ray too! You know, Walt Disney must be spinning in his grave now that yet another star has fallen. The TMZ website and tv rag are going to be working overtime on this one. I'm talking about some of these photos arriving in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine. Well, I checked them out myself and don't really know what the fuss is all about. Okay,

scratch that... what's really so bad about the series of pictures with a semi-nude 15 year old? The fact that her daddy is rubbing up next to her for starters! What was Billy Ray thinking? In the Cyrus' defense, the really questionable pix were taken when mom and dad left the studio to warm up the pickup truck and now everyone has taken a moment to pause and reflect that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea in the first place. Remember Billy Ray's television show on PAX where he played a doctor? The now defunct network always had subtle messages of Christianity running through it and that's a far cry from the Billy Ray of today. "Achy Breaky Heart", the one song that is now considered a novelty, put the guy on the map and earned him millions. Hey Billy, were your investments so bad that you're broke and needed to pimp your daughter out to a magazine? Yes, Shame on you pretty boy! You see folks, Disney isn't all about unicorns, rainbows and smiley, happy faces. Because of the tight noose that Uncle Walt has tied around these kids, a taste of the "real world" leads to this. Let's see... we already heard the rumors flying on the net about Mylie being pregnant, and now this. Think about it: Mylie is just another young kid that picked up the torch passed down from Christine Aguillera to the Spears girls, Lance Bass, and Justin Timberlake. What will dad have to say when Mylie turns 18 and does a photo spread for Hustler? Will that be a wake up call to good parenting or will the nut job pose with his daughter in there too? Don't look back Britney! Mylie just jumped out of the gate and is closing in on you quick!

...And The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth!

"They will have to pry my precious gun from my cold, dead hands" ...Charlton Heston a.k.a. Moses and head of the National Rifle Association. Poor Charlie...He could part the Red Sea but lost his powers when it came to a battle with Alzheimers. We are all too familiar with his most famous role in the epic The Ten Commandments which just had it's annual run several weeks ago over the Easter holiday. This is the kind of movie that you see it once, and that's enough. A good movie maybe however, we all know the story. This is in the same category as the yearly playing of Julie Andrews' The Sound of Music which also aired recently. Here's two films each with a running time a little over 120 minutes that ABC stretched to over three hours because of commercial breaks. Commandment Eleven says, "Thou shall not promote a silly ABC sitcom while viewing a Hollywood interpretation of THE BIBLE" Charlie dropped the tablet with 11-15 on his way up to the top of the mountain. With a staff in his right hand and a machine gun in his left, he already had his hands full. Besides, it was more important to tell the masses that "Guns don't kill people... PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" Indeed, Charlie loved his guns cocked and loaded. It was nice that NRA members kept him on board despite his slipping mental health. I guess there's no harm in letting your 95 year old Grandfather wander out the nursing home doors at 3:00 in the morning with an AK-47. That's exactly what I'm getting at! While sipping my morning cup of Celestial Seasonings this morning and watching the gals on The View share stories of meeting Heston, I was most intrigued by Whoopi Goldberg who touched briefly on Charlie's love for black women. "I asked him how difficult it was to kiss a black, female co-star on camera back in the day when that sort of thing was a "no no" Whoopie quipped. "He said, 'let me show you how simple it is for me' as he leaned over and slipped his tongue into my mouth and grabbed my chest" A nervous Barbera Walters turned a funny shade of blue as she quickly changed the subject. Well, the man was in a class by himself. Afterall, one of his last great moves in cinema was to give Jay-Z, Ice Cube, and Snoop Dogg his blessing for the followup to the classic movie. Already in pre-production, Ten Mo' Commandments is expected to hit theaters in May 2010. OK, so he was Moses, Ben-Hur, and the dude from the Planet of the Apes. After that? Hmmmm. Oh yeah, a stint as guest host on SNL a few years back. President Bush loved the man too and welcomed him to The White House several years back. A misty eyed George W. Bush spoke this morning and told us to, "Open your windows, raise your arms, and fire away" in honer of Mr. Heston. He would have wanted it that way as this monkey meets the man with the yellow hat in the sky.

Election Watch 2008: The Clinton Family

It's All in the Family for the Clintons in 2008. Hey, no matter how you slice it, The Democrats make the history books no thanks to the people of the United States that chose a has been washed up family from Arkansas and a mixed bag of peanuts from Chicago. As of now, the smart money is on Obhama. As for Hillary? Give the old hag her broom back and let her fly back to New York, Arkansas, or anywhere the Clintons have yet to wear out their welcome thus far. McCain, Obhama, and even Chelsea will get their fare share of grilling by me later. For now, lets put the spotlight on Bill and Hillary's attempt at a third term in the White House. You know, all the Tums and Rolaids on God's Green Earth wouldn't help the Archie Bunkers in America with severe gas pains come January 1st, 2009 if Mrs. Clinton won the race. That may be one New Years Eve hangover that we'll never forget! See, Billy Bob may have done this Country of ours some good in the 1990's with stabilizing the economy and improving relations with foreign leaders however, the buck stopped THERE. Anyone who believes that Bill will take a back seat once the unthinkable happens is being misled with all this "sneaking around" the early 1900's ratifications of allowing a President TWO TERMS in office. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, he's breaking the law already by being a cheerleader for his wife. Last time I checked, this wasn't a new season of Survivor "Couples Edition" on CBS. Hillary, you wanna kick some ass from the Oval Office? Start with Bill. Remind the guy that his ship has already sailed...you think George W. was bad for America? You ain't seen nothin' yet! As for Bill, think about Mary Todd Lincoln. While "Honest Abe" was up to his stove-top-hat in freeing the slaves, the only thing Mary Todd was worried about was making sure the President had a full plate of flapjacks and bacon. Maybe Bill oughtta keep his big beak out of things and realize he's sinking an already sunk Titanic with his "help". Let Hillary drown... meanwhile, Bill should start picking up some cooking classes with Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart. They might come in handy!

"Errors??? You can BANK on this!"

POOR William Wrigley! It seems as though that damn billy goat from The Billy Goat Tavern's curse runs a heck of a lot deeper than we originally thought. The Cubs passed the 100 year mark with no World Series and make it only far enough to have homeplate yanked from under their shoes! Yeah, "Yadda, yadda, yadda", we've heard a lion's share of excuses and numerous cracks at breaking the curse have all but failed. It's like going to Earl Shibe with your '73 Oldsmobile for a new paint job...it's gonna look shiny and nice, but it's still going to be a shitty car underneath. That's what you get when you unwrap the stitching from this Cubs baseball. Let's put their record loss of a century to the side for just a minute and focus on the other oddities abound on this franchise. Take the great Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks. The first strike against him was being a black man in a white ballclub. He overcame that one! So, he makes it to the Hall of Fame and the Cubs decide the guy finally deserves a statue in his honor...that's strike two! Strike three is putting up the statue on public display along with a televised tribute to the former great complete with a missing apostraphe! After a day of finger pointing came up empty as to who was at fault for this, it was fixed this morning and life goes on. Now let me point out that the statue STILL isn't fixed. Does Mr. Banks have copper skin? Oops! Seems like this artist goofed!

Now let's talk about Wrigley Field being named an historic place. What's in a name? Nothing. Chicago based United Airlines could have also bought the rights to the joint and slapped their name on the new United Field. Nope. That wouldn't seem right. How about a name that has true meaning? I think renaming the park as The Field of Dreams is a perfect fit. Don't look for James Earl Jones and Kevin Costner to come strolling out of a cornfield either. This is the type of dream that doesn't just doesn't come to fruition. So, the 2008 season is once again off to a doomed start that will be played under a dark storm cloud. There's really nothing a red faced, pin-striped Lou Panella can do about that but take his nitro glycerin and pray for next year!

"40 Fans and Flair...Fireworks everywhere!"

If you were a ticket holder to this years Wrestlemania in Orlando, FL, you may have been lucky enough to leave the event with all kinds of memories that ran the gamut from "saying goodbye to a longtime great", or "going to the closest hospital's burn unit in an ambulance". For starters, there's this Nature Boy "Wooooo!" Ric Flair. It doesn't matter if you think that frappling in the squared circle is a bunch of bunk or not, Flair ended a lifetime commitment to the sport with class, and dignity as he bid a tearful goodbye to millions of fans around the world. An emotional Flair broke down weeping as he delivered three "goodbye" speeches over the three day weekend after 36 years of bumps and bruises. Sorry to say, this was not your typical made for tv storyline taken verbatum from a script... this was definately a heartfelt "goodbye" to fans and fellow wrestlers, the good, the bad and the ugly, who for tthree days showed their respect to him through love and loyalty. He's still gonna "style and profile" without walking that aisle, and he'll still be a "Jet flyin' limousine ridin' son of a gun!" This is founder of the elite "four horsemen" back in the day, is one character whose art imitated life. Having been the "Dirtiest player in the game" his persona as either face or heel in the ring came straight from 'Natches roller coaster ride through three marriages, heavy partying, and womenizing were a result of everyday struggles. He's one guy that deserves my thanks as I wish him a well deserved retirement. As I even wiped a tear from my eye following a giant farewell at the finale of Monday Night Raw and wrestlers from TNA and WWE gathered outside the ring, it is true... there's only one Ric Flair. According to the media coverage of Wrestlemania, there was the usual hijinks in the crowd from drunken fans slugging it out in the stands to the unexpected glitches of doing a live show where pyrotecnics go haywire. For some 40 fans, there stay was cut short early on in the evening as they were zoomed away in ambulances to an Orlando hospital. There's no comment as of yet from CEO Vincent McMahon on any pending lawsuits at least for God's sake, ticket refunds for those injured. Stock in the WWE dipped slightly on Monday morning more than likely due to the firework mishap. Other than that, attendance once again reached record numbers topping all previous annual events. Fireworks or not, this one's in the books folks!

Hollywood IS in California, Vegas too!

Last time I checked, my damn GPS said I'm in the Midwest. I guess I am but, you wonder why this world is so friggin' messed up? It's when big stars in "Tinseltown" and on "The Strip" come through town leaving chaos in their wake. Take for instance, Johnny Depp... Maybe you didn't know that he was in "The Hoosier State" for a few days to film a big new motion picture about John Dillinger, the famous gangster. Now, depending on who you talk to, Johnny is either a nice fella or just another jackass that let the spell of Hollywood turn him into a an angry, bitter man who shooed away photographers and autograph seekers. One person wrote about this in his NWI Times column. Phil Potempa who rubs elbows with such legends like Phyllis Diller, Carol Channing, and Ruth Buzzy jumped at the chance to join the thousands of fools who packed the Indiana town to possibly become a "Hollywood Extra". I don't know if all his kissing up to the film crew got him in or lnot, but the movie moved on to a new location and chances are, Potempa's acting career will end up on the cutting room floor. The "regular Joe's" of Crown Point were somewhat troubled by Johnny "avoiding" them as if he was in town to have supper with them. Cripe's sake! He came to do a job, not add new friends to his buddy list! Many were insulted that they didn't even get a glimpse of the weirdo or snapshot on their cell phone and now, Depp has left a sour taste in their mouths. He's as creepy a character as his role as Willy Wonka! He loves his fans so much that he calls France his home. Think about that the next time you suckers camp overnight for 10 hours in the cold hoping he'll join you for an Egg McMuffin and coffee in the morning!

Another entertainer has besmirched the area. I'm talking about John Caponera. Who's he? The guy who has annoyed you in those AT&T commercials the months of February and March with his way off the mark impression of Harry Carey. I've seen this guy's act in comedy clubs and he's no Rich Little. The ad department at AT&T was smart to put a March 31st expiration date on these commercials. You see, these ads air only in Chicago. Meanwhile, Harry's widow, Dutchie lives in California totally unaware that her late husband's image is being poked fun at all without her consent ...Until now. When Dutchie learned of these ads and was offered a "Director's cut" of all three, her heart sank. Just for the record, she never found any rhyme or reason to watch. Get with it! Harry already was a characiture of himself even before Caponera was in diapers! Go back to Zanie's John, and let the old man ferment away in his beer can aluminum casket!